“If I scout with my husband-abuser, then he will set his son against me”

For almost 4 years I have been living with the “emotional swing” of my husband. His checks, persecutions, insults, humiliations, shifting responsibility, depreciation … He often drinks, it is rare at home – then work, then festivities, then mother.

When I finally decided to leave, it turned out that I was pregnant. I thought it would definitely change, but everything is only aggravated. For a year and a half to his son, and there have appeared a lot of facts that indicate the betrayal of her husband. I’m afraid for myself and for the child.

My husband suggested getting divorced, and I would gladly agree, but he constantly inspires the baby that my mother is bad. He asks his son how he will live with a stranger of his uncle, and a lot of other nonsense. Before that, he also undermined my authority, allowing the child everything. Constantly says that people are creatures, that everyone should kill everyone since childhood, that women are all bad.

My son began to ignore me with him. Dad shouts at mom, she will sniff, cry, but will do as he said. How to explain to my husband that you can’t do this? How to behave with a child?

The husband’s family has all the abuse, and so far they do not know about the divorce. I understand that I am heard and suffer from my mother -in -law, his brother and sisters. What should I do? How to repulse them correctly?

Katya, I really sympathize with you. If you actually decide to divorce, you have to gain endurance and add strong ideas about yourself, your borders and about what is good and what is bad is banal, at least at the children’s level. And when you decide this inside yourself, you will not need any specific “repulsive” tools and models.

You will be, firstly, integral, secondly, strong enough to not take on everything that relatives can load you

In a good way, you now need psychological support. Attention, love and sympathy. And external supports that are not enough inside. And not in the form of any specific models “how to fight back”, but in the form of what will give you a feeling of warmth and protection. This, of course, is not a panacea, and it is worth striving to strengthen internal supports. But the crisis is a crisis. Where to get them inside when they were needed yesterday.

The fact is that the abusers are not fixed in close relationships if there is no such “Abuzer” inside his victim. What I mean? There was some important person with whom you, as a child, experienced the same feelings as with your spouse now.

This important person could be both present and

absent. And most often this is a father’s figure or the “mom and dad” layout – a merged parent, when mother did not become a good mother, attentive, capable of reassuring the child, taking responsibility.

Therefore, the child is seduced by the capture of the abusele, who promises to be such a father, but does not become. One awareness of this moment helps to separate its expectations and fantasies (which the attachment to the abuser is fed up – and they are explained by all the numerous “but”) from the harsh reality.

“Such a person who will become a support and protect, I did not have. It seems I don’t understand how it actually happens. And it seems that the only person who can organize this experience of good free will and is really safe – I myself. Now is the time to become such a father in relation to himself – and protect oneself “.

Attempts to stay next to him at the cost of his psyche disappear. An unambiguous internal response is formed to the cruel, openly aggressive and manipulative “sites” of the sadist. Understanding the boundaries comes. And a deep feeling of his innocence: “You cannot mock me, and I can stop it. I will not stand “.

And you no longer need those invented by other strategies. You have seen a thousand times and already without advisers know how the parent protects his child. You just have to “master” it, accept possible for yourself. You already have such knowledge – and the experience has to draw yourself. There are no formal “magic phrases” there. There is a pure intention to protect.

You act from the inside. Speak sincerely from your heart. Your “no” from now on is a very unequivocal “no”.

I wish you all the best. Let your heart and love be enough for timely and very necessary protection.

In crisis situations, you can contact the following organizations

• Charity Center “Sisters” by phone +7 (499) 901-02-01
• Center “Anna* (assistance to women who survived any homemade violence): 8 (800) 7000-600
• Center “Violence.No “*: 8 (495) 916-3000
• Unified Helpline of the Ministry of Emergencies +7 (495) 400-99-99
• Moscow Psychological Assistance Service +7 (499) 173-09-09
• Free crisis of trust 8 (800) 333-44-34

Also look at the services of free psychological assistance in your city, and there is also free psychological assistance online, for example, at the Ministry of Emergencies.