3 signs of a toxic listener

It is sad, but the fact: many of us are completely unable to listen to others, and those who can do, in the vast majority of cases, specially learn this. As a rule, to develop this skill, you have to work a lot. How? To begin with – noting the features of a toxic listener and trying to get rid of them.

1. Inability to listen actively

Most of us like to speak, not listen. The results of a number of studies show that the subjects, in communication with whom the interlocutors used the skills of active hearing, were more understood by those who simply advised something. Poor listener passively absorbs information. Moreover, he only waits to start his story.

As a result, the one who says does not feel that they are interested in them. Is it so scary? Well, at least it’s just impolite. And at the maximum, you can skip alarming calls that the interlocutor is really bad. Therefore, a good listener necessarily reflects the replicas of the interlocutor.

A simple example. Having said: “Recently, it is somehow very difficult at work-the deadlines for all projects have been settled,”-from a toxic listener we can hear something like: “Above the nose! Here, I remember, I also had a case at work: my boss disliked me. And you know what I did? Frusted with his leader!”

A good listener will most likely answer: “What a pity! It seems that so much has piled on you. And what do you feel because of all

these deadlines?”

Says “it seems”, we emphasize that we are not trying to interpret the state of the speaker in our own way, but try to look at the situation from his point of view. Focus on feelings helps the interlocutor understand that he is not condemned for the emotions that are not subject to him. Feeling that they hear him, a person most likely wants to open and tell more.

2. Uninvited tips

Psychologists regard such tips as a manifestation of communicative narcissism. And even if the interlocutor wants to hear your advice, he has something that you do not have: a full picture. He knows all the participants in the situation, knows how they acted, and, possibly, aware of their feelings. And most likely, he has already made a decision. So he needs it rather not advice, but confirmation that he made the right choice.

The toxic listener does not understand this and, as a rule, shares it precisely his opinion. What’s bad about it? If you gave advice, and the interlocutor did not follow him, you can at least feel offended and wounded. If he or she accepts your advice, you will suddenly find yourself responsible for the situation that you have no full idea.

If we want to be good listeners, we will try to reflect the feelings of the interlocutor. This will help the latter better understand itself – because making the final decision anyway, in any situation, he must himself.

It is difficult to confront the temptation to give advice: we are sure that we can help. But the best help is to give the interlocutor the opportunity to do what exactly he considers correct.

3. Evaluation judgments

It is difficult to keep information about your views on your views and not allow our own thoughts and feelings to distract us damn, but this is necessary for deep communication.

We never know what another person passes through, especially the one that seems to us happy and successful. Maybe he or her clinical depression. Or maybe the interlocutor is the victim of Abuez. We never know the whole story. And that is why it is so important to learn to listen to empathically and not give any comments.

It seems that “toxic” is a rather tough word: most are more likely to listen to others passively. But while we continue to communicate like that, we apply an invisible, but tangible harm to the interlocutor.

It is not easy to learn to be a good listener – for this you will have to make a rule to put another in the first place, actively listen to what he or she says, give the opportunity to make his own decision and replace the condemnation with empathy. Yes, it’s difficult, but, believe me, it’s worth it.