Since childhood, we have been taught to follow the rules. Think and take care of others – especially about loved ones. Move your desires and needs to the background. It is difficult for many of us even in adulthood to say no – even if what we are asking for is contrary to our interests. How to change it?
Of course, this does not happen with all. Anyone who does not see the problem of refusing someone will hardly understand what it was-to dare to say “no”, afraid that you are rejected, offended, turn away;Fearing to bring others, to deceive other people’s expectations, to be in the eyes of those around him “bad”.
But why can we, adults and quite accomplished people, cannot “just say no”? The answer, as always, is worth looking for in childhood, in a family where we did not feel our beloved “just like that”, of course, just for the fact that we are we are us. In a family where the love of parents and other significant adults had to be earned – actions, good behavior, high marks.
This happened because our parents were too strict and demanding
. Or – unstable, unpredictable in their reactions and behavior, and we had to constantly guess what one or another of our action will lead to, and sensitively monitor mood shifts in adults. In a word, there can be many reasons, but the fact remains: with age it “does not pass”. Our self-esteem is still tied to what others will say and think about us, and it’s still difficult for us to refuse it.
The price we pay, never saying “no”
It would seem that our reliability should serve us a good service – people reach for us, count on us. In fact, this negatively affects:
1. Our relationship
If others understand that you are trying to please everyone, and always please, be sure: for sure there are those who are actively using this. Perhaps you don’t notice it. And, perhaps, you understand that you are manipulated, but, being afraid to repulse openly, you begin to behave passively.
Needless to say that such behavior does not lead to anything good and affects relations with the whole environment?
2. Our mental health
The suppression of your feelings, desires and needs inevitably leads to stress, as well as to the development of anxiety and even depression. By serving others, you forget about your interests, which means that you stomp on the spot and do not get close to your dream.
3. Awareness of who we are
Endlessly fulfilling other people’s requests and “pushing ourselves to the distant plan”, we can sooner or later forget about what we want ourselves, what we are striving for, what we love and what is not. We cease to understand what our body wants at this particular moment, we lose touch with ourselves, with our identity.
And the saddest thing – even left alone, we feel alone with ourselves uncomfortable, uncomfortable, not imagining what we really want to do. And to “regain yourself”, can take a lot of time.
To start, attention, “no”!
Suppose you realized the problem and would like to change everything – to stop automatically agree to do what you do not want to do, to do for others and to the detriment of yourself, to satisfy other people’s requests, even if everything is opposed to this. What should your first step be?
First, try to start tracking your automatic reactions-all those cases when you agree to something without hesitation, and then regret. Remember the recent situations and try to understand why it was so difficult for you to say no “. Change “yes” to “no” will not work overnight, so for starters, learn to at least slow down and not rush to answer. Take a pause for thought – at least a few seconds, and better – minutes or even hours.
Having a pause, try to understand what you really want and how it will be better for you. Whether your “yes” will turn out against you? Do you have to take over extra obligations, although you are already overloaded?
Finally, remember: refuse normally-including help someone. You should not apologize for this and feel guilty. In addition, to help a friend in trouble, to support in a difficult life situation is one thing, but to be the one who is constantly exploited, counting on his reliability, is completely different.